Facing Career Burnout and Anxiety

Attachment styles can lead to career burnout. Here's how to avoid that scenario.

Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Aristotle said, “Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”

Steve Jobs echoed a similar sentiment, proclaiming, “The only way to do great work is to love what you do.”

Wayne Dyer added, “Doing what you love is the cornerstone of abundance in your life.”

Many accomplished people have repeated the same message, not to mention the plethora of gripping book titles and memes promising that you just need to love your work to succeed and be fruitful. So, what happens when you love your work but suffer from strained relationships with the people around you?

While compatibility with others can feel like the cure, it is not always possible. We live in a world filled with difference: different philosophies, political views, religions, cultures, languages, personalities, analytical and problem-solving orientations, strengths and talents, adversities, emotional coping strategies, and attachment styles.

Embracing differences helps people, organizations, and societies grow as each person brings a puzzle piece necessary for assembling a bigger picture. That is why many organizational Boards of Directors purposely select diverse people with a range of backgrounds. It is also why advertising companies test messages on a wide array of focus groups.

Yet difference can hurt when you are feeling left out of a group, alone and dejected. Or worse when that group is targeting and harassing you on purpose. For instance, mobbing occurs as a result of systemic harassment and discrimination and is often employed to push a person out of an organization. It is toxic and can have extreme mental and physical consequences on the targeted person.

I have addressed mobbing extensively in my work, yet I want to address an even more common phenomenon of difference that can lead a person to feel left out and alone even though they are not purposely discriminated against. In fact, this level of difference can be so subtle and crazymaking that a person leaves an entire career—a career they might have loved if they felt they belonged.

The concept I’m talking about is attachment style. Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby who found that infants developed certain attachment styles with their primary caregivers based on the caregiver’s availability and that these attachments could carry into adulthood. The three commonly cited styles of attachments, as typified by Ainsworth et. al. (1978) are:

1. Secure attachment: "You’re okay, I’m okay.” The baby’s needs were met in a consistent emotional and physical way, leaving them to grow up with trust, the ability to be emotionally available to others, and a general feeling of security in their identity and relationships.
2. Avoidant attachment: “There’s something wrong with you. I can only rely on myself.” Here, the primary caregiver often ignored the baby’s needs so the child grew up to have a cynical and avoidant view of relationships, paradoxically not wanting people to fully leave but resisting emotional talk and dependence.
3. Anxious attachment: “Are we okay? I’m scared this is not working.” In this situation, the baby had a more chaotic upbringing in which their needs were inconsistently met in a haphazard way, so they grew up with higher anxiety and inconsistent commitment in their relationships.

Vîrgă et al. (2019) conducted research on attachment styles in the workplace and found that people with anxious attachment styles tended to perceive more criticism from others and would overwork themselves to compensate, leading them to develop higher rates of burnout and quitting.

I find their research particularly relevant in light of reports of increased anxiety in people across generations that further escalated with the COVID-19 pandemic. Some people are still living with anxiety, adjustment disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms brought on by their experiences with COVID-19 (Lotzin et al., 2020). Youth and younger adults appear to have been most impacted as they were found to have higher rates of social anxiety since the pandemic's peak (Lim et al., 2022).

Career Burnout Scenario: Let’s consider a person who has a more anxious attachment style and imagine that they worked hard in school and majored in one of the STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) pathways. They were hired by a Fortune 500 firm. Excited and eager to do a good job, they notice members of the team they work with appear overly critical, cold, and distant; perhaps the team members have more avoidant attachment styles. The person responds by working harder and longer hours but only receives excessive criticism for their efforts. After two years of constant work, they receive a negative 360-degree assessment, after which they can’t sleep and replay the criticisms in their head all night. They feel lonely and depressed and end up quitting their job and abandoning the field.

Career Resilience Intervention Scenario: In a second scenario, imagine the same newly-hired person was paired with a mentor trained in emotion coaching. The coach listens to their frustrations about the team and validates their frustration and loneliness while also helping them learn how avoidant people might act. The coach helps them realize that the criticisms they hear are more about the colleague than about themselves and that, if they take a step back, they will observe that the same criticisms are given to everyone else on the team. The coach provides positive feedback while encouraging the worker to seek balance and to get some exercise and plenty of sleep, and join some social activities to foster healthy friendships. Over time, the employee learns strategies for managing their anxiety and relationships and stays in the job because it now feels rewarding.

Not everyone who leaves a career does so due to issues around attachment styles. But for those who do, there are ways to cope and feel the rewards in work—and in relationships. Personalized emotion coaching with a trained psychologist can help you through the challenges you may be facing in your career. Psychologists can also train leaders and employees on emotion coaching.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.