The Silent Struggle: Inside the Motherhood Paradox

The motherhood paradox: Be a great mother, but work like you don't have kids.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• The motherhood paradox imposes impossible standards on women, a never-ending cycle of stress and guilt.
• In many cases, the pressure leads to a decision to scale back on career ambitions or leave the workforce.
• There are steps you can take to align your career and parenting roles with your values and needs.

For many working mothers, the challenge of balancing career aspirations with the demands of parenthood feels like walking a tightrope. The pressure to excel in both arenas often leads to feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion.

This is the essence of the motherhood paradox, a societal expectation that women should work as if they don’t have children while simultaneously parenting as if they don’t work.

This paradox is not just an abstract concept; it’s a daily reality for millions of women worldwide. It’s a complex, often contradictory set of expectations that leaves many women feeling they can never fully succeed in either role.

Despite decades of progress in women’s rights and workplace equality, the motherhood paradox remains a significant barrier to women’s empowerment.

The reality of the motherhood paradox

Consider the stories of Maya and Meera, two women from different parts of the world, yet both caught in the grip of this paradox.

Maya’s Story: A management consultant on the fast track to becoming a partner at her firm in New York, Maya is also a single mother to a 10-year-old daughter. Her role demands long hours and high levels of commitment, putting constant pressure on her responsibilities as a mother. Despite her best efforts to balance both roles, Maya constantly feels the weight of guilt—guilt for not being fully present at work, and guilt for not being there enough for her daughter.

Meera’s Story: In Mumbai, Meera is a risk manager at a global bank and a mother of twin boys. The cultural expectations in Indian society add another layer to the motherhood paradox for Meera. Not only is she expected to excel at her demanding job, but she is also required to fulfill traditional roles at home, managing most of the household responsibilities. The strain of juggling these responsibilities often leaves her exhausted and questioning how long she can keep up.

Both women are navigating the motherhood paradox—trying to live up to the ideal of being a perfect worker and a perfect mother, even though these expectations are fundamentally incompatible.

The impact of the motherhood paradox

The motherhood paradox imposes impossible standards on women, leading to a never-ending cycle of stress and guilt. Women are expected to meet the demands of a patriarchal work environment that values constant availability and unwavering commitment.

At the same time, they are expected to embody the “good mother” ideal, which demands selflessness and constant presence in their children’s lives.

This paradox creates a zero-sum game where success in one area often means failure in another. The result is a deep sense of inadequacy, as women struggle to meet conflicting demands.

The pressure to be both an ideal worker and a perfect mother leads to burnout, mental health challenges, and, in many cases, a decision to scale back on career ambitions or leave the workforce altogether.

Reflection questions: Navigating the motherhood paradox

To help you reflect on your own experience with the motherhood paradox, or to support those in your life who may be navigating it, consider these questions:

1. When have you felt the pressures of the motherhood paradox in your work and life? How did it affect your sense of self and your well-being?
2. What expectations have you encountered at work or in society that reinforce the ideals of the “perfect worker” and the “good mother”? How have these expectations impacted your choices and actions?
3. Have you noticed a difference in how working mothers and fathers are perceived in your workplace? What assumptions have you made, or seen others make, about working parents based on their gender?
4. How can you begin to challenge the unrealistic standards imposed by the motherhood paradox in your own life? What steps can you take to align your career and parenting roles with your values and needs?

Redefining success for working mothers

The motherhood paradox is a powerful reminder of the systemic challenges that working mothers face. It’s an issue that requires both personal resilience and broader societal change. By reflecting on your own experiences and questioning the unrealistic expectations placed on women, you can begin to redefine what success looks like for you.

In Women Rising, I explore these themes in greater depth, offering insights and strategies for overcoming the motherhood paradox and other challenges women face in their personal and professional lives. While the journey is not easy, understanding these paradoxes is the first step toward reclaiming your power and creating a more balanced and fulfilling life.