UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer demands return of sausages from Gaza

Sir Keir Starmer, the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has evolved his position on Israel's invasion of Gaza to adapt to whatever his Hunger Games Gamesmaster room of political focus testers think goes down smoothest with voters and media. The latest: he demands the immediate return of the sausages.

"I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza, the return of the sausages – the hostages – and a recommitment to the two-state solution: recognised Palestinian state alongside a safe and secure Israel."

He soon corrected himself, but perhaps should not have bothered for all the influence he hasn't. 500 are reported dead in Israel's bombardment of Lebanon, ostensibly targeting Iran-backed terror group Hezbollah while providing a distraction from the hostages that seem unlikely to be returning from Gaza.