7 Personality Traits Associated With Giving Too Much

Discover crucial traits of a toxic giver and learn how to make changes.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Over-giving is learned in childhood and is automatic when toxic givers are around emotionally needy people.
• People who give too much tend to take poor care of themselves and may experience low self-worth.
• Manage over-giving by learning to ask yourself questions about how and when to give reasonably to others.

We can spot others who give far too much in relationships. These are people who fatigue themselves attending endlessly to others. They receive little thanks, and the giving takes on a compulsive, one-way pattern.

What other traits exist alongside constant and compulsive caregiving to others? There are seven characteristics I’ll talk about, derived from my 40 years of clinical work with people.

Revealing Attitudes

How do such people appear to others when delivering constant care? There may be a sense of smugness or pride in over-giving. This may reveal an identity or personality formed proudly around such excessive giving.

Disliking Dependence

Over-givers dislike receiving care from others. People have told me they become very uncomfortable when others want to reciprocate and care for them. They feel that receiving sends a message that they are weak and deficient.

Low Self-Worth

Over-givers experience high self-esteem when giving to others. When they fail to give satisfactorily or when they accept help from others, they harbor low self-esteem. They feel and believe that care is for others, not for them.

Overvaluing Others; Devaluing Self

In clinical work, I find people who give too much overvalue the people they give to, finding others’ desires and needs more important because they think the recipients are important people. Givers devalue their own needs and wants. This is why they put others first a lot of the time.

Seeking Thankless Relationships

Givers are uncomfortable with recognition, praise, and thanks for what they do for others. As a result, they seek relationships where they get no positive feedback and no thanks or are ignored.

Committing to Dead Relationships

Many over-givers support others even when the relationship has died and is no longer viable. Givers hang on and tolerate nothing in return for a long time before calling the relationship quits.

Proneness to Depression and Anxiety

Despite feeling compelled to over-give, people who give too much in some relationships do need emotional support in return. They chafe at accepting help and support, and this sets them up for anxiety and depression. They become anxious when trying to satisfy others to such a total perfectionistic degree: Am I doing enough? Am I doing it perfectly to their satisfaction?

Depression arises if any perceived failure takes place in satisfying another’s needs and wants. I didn’t do things well enough. My spouse criticized me. Failure to caretake perfectly causes the over-giver to become depressed because he/she feels like a failure.

What You Can Do to Decrease Over-Giving

1. Realize that giving too much to others is something you learned as a child. It comes out unconsciously and automatically when you are around needy-acting people.
2. Halt your propensity to over-give by asking, “What is reasonable for me to give in this situation and with this person?” Or, “What can I give that will not overextend and overwhelm me?” Do not ask, “What is the most I can give?”
3. Learn to take time out before answering a person’s request for assistance. A good initial response is, “Let me think about what you’re asking. I’ll get back to you about it.”
4. Seek out professional psychotherapy help. Over-giving personality traits can be altered by psychotherapy.

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