Strictly Judges may kid themselves the scandal's over.. but it's just beginning

JESS SAYING: From Strictly judges jumping the gun over Giovanni Pernice and Amanda Abbington to snivelling Schofield giving Holly Willoughby and us all the moon, Daily Mirror Columnist Jess Boulton gives her witty rundown of a wacky showbiz week

It's been quite the week in Celebland with Strictly verdicts, outrageous Newsnight interviews, Schofield going starkers and Kim Kardashian trying to free the Menendez Brothers. Think you've missed something? Never fear! If it's witty, whimsical or outright wacky, I have you covered. So, join me, Daily Mirror Columnist Jessica Boulton for Jess Saying - my no-holds-barred rundown of the showbiz week....

Moon-day:

Phillip Schofield seemed determined to make a statement when he returned to screens this week. (And I don’t just mean with everything he’s been saying).

It’s been 18 months since the “shamed” This Morning host saw his star fall plummet from grace. But while many one-time friends sent him to Coventry over his affair with a younger male colleague, Phillip sent himself somewhere a little further afield…and definitely a lot warmer ... No, not to hell, as some haters no doubt suggested. But to a remote island off Madagascar where he spent 10 days alone... for Channel 5’s Cast Away.

What transpired was not exactly unexpected: three episodes between Monday and Thursday of “woe is me” revelations, self-care protestations and post-scandal snivelling.

But what was a little strange was Schofe’s final scenes – his final bow as it were. (Thankfully, as we had a view from behind, it was not a literal one ). For he finished the TV experiment with a double whammy of Instagram cliches words from the heart : “No point in crying about the past,” he whined. “I want to look forward with joy and positivity,” he added. And then…

....He went full-on starkers.

Quite what the viewers had done to deserve that, I don’t know. Was it an early audition for The Real Full Monty? Or some kind of cathartic symbolism?

Or maybe, just maybe, it was a secret message to TV-sister-turned-frenemy Holly Willoughby?

Because I tell you now, that’s not the type of moon the crystal-loving New-Age Holly usually worships.

Terror sarnie Tuesday:

There’s been some weird celebrity confessions this week: Jen Aniston told Jimmy Kimmel about her salmon-sperm facials, director Barry Sonnenfeld claimed Will Smith’s “gas” shut down the Men In Black set for three hours (so much for being the Fresh Prince!) and Tom Parker-Bowles revealed his mum and stepdad (aka The King and Queen) are just “obsessed” with mushrooms – a statement that needs careful ­qualifying if ever there was one.*

But my favourite confession of all was this little morsel which Line of Duty and Ludwig star Anna Maxwell Martin shared on Nick Grimshaw’s Dish podcast:

She has a phobia of…

Sandwiches.

Yes, Sandwiches. And apparently it’s so bad she can’t even stand to see other people eating them on set.

For those LoD fans who still remember her ­character’s horrific betrayal of AC-12 - and the viciousness with which she treated poor Ted Hastings – it’s quite a shocker.

If only Ted and co had known.....they could have taken down DCS Patricia Carmichael for the cost of a Tesco meal deal.

Yep, forget tackling their enemies with ARUs, ANPR, CHIS, ARVs and all those other policing ­acronyms. All AC-12 really needed was…. a BLT.

(* Not the magic kind.)

Woah! Wednesday:

Where oh where to start with Strictly? The BBC report is out and, on the whole, it was mostly positive for Giovanni Pernice – which in turn sparked a very eyebrow -raising interview with Amanda Abbington on Wednesday’s Newsnight.

Legally we can’t repeat the new claims which she made and Giovanni rigidly denied. But suffice to say neither wishes to take a step back, let bygones be bygones or try to see the wood for the trees just yet.

Shirley Ballas and Craig Revel Horwood on the other hand were both hopeful the report would bring some peace - that Strictly could finally leave its scandal behind and move on.

But something tells me they might be a bit ahead of themselves. I strongly suspect there’s still some tricky twists and turns to come. And not the type celebs are scored on.

What a joke Thursday:

Lady Gaga and Joaquin Phoenix have been gearing up to lead the pack at the box office this weekend – as Joker: Folie à Deux finally waltzes on to our cinema screens.

A follow-up to Phoenix’s 2019 Oscar-darling Joker, the movie sees the A-listers as Arkham inmates Harleen “Lee” Quinzel and Arthur Fleck – aka Batman’s Harley Quinn and The Joker, aka the new Margot Robbie and Jared Leto, aka the epitome of a Bad Romance.

But for all its delicious dysfunctional darkness, the first major reviews were more divided than Two-Face’s visage when they landed on Thursday; Some critics were touting an Oscar nom for Gaga, and others were calling the movie “dull” and Gaga ­“criminally underused”.

Why are the latter so serious ? Well, despite her being heavily featured on the promo trail, Lady G apparently appears on screen for just 33 of the movie’s 139 minutes... However – I hate to point out – that isn’t actually isn’t thatbad a deal for a Batman movie.

Leto’s Joker was the face of 2016’s Suicide Squad promo yet he was only on screen for between seven minutes, 45 seconds and 11 minutes, seven seconds (depending on which superkeen vlogger with a stopwatch you choose to believe). Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman clawed just 19 minutes of screen time in The Dark Knight Rises. And George Clooney was awarded a very disappointing 32 minutes in Batman & Robin. (“Disappointing” for all of us forced to suffer through it, that is).

Essay day Friday:

Of course, Gaga isn’t the only ­glamorous A-lister with a soft spot for jailbirds this week. Another star has also been doing their bit for convicted killers – and this one is certainly no stranger to maximising her screen time.

Yes, the ubiquitous Kim Kardashian has swapped her influencer/selfie-obsessed hat for her Legally Blonde/trainee lawyer cap again and this time she has a new cause celebre... The Menendez brothers.

The pair, currently the subject of her pal Ryan Murphy’s new Netflix drama Monsters, were jailed in the 1990s for the brutal shootings of their parents at their Beverly Hills mansion (and a subsequent £700,000 shopping spree).

But they’ve long claimed to have been the victims of their father’s abuse – and this week, not only has an official review into their sentence been launched by authorities (thanks to evidence featured in a Mirror exclusive last month) but they’ve also won the support of the biggest name in American royalty.

So how is the SKIMS shapewear founder, billionaire reality star and former Mrs Kanye West campaigning on their behalf?

With AN ESSAY. Yes, an ESSAY. “We owe it to those little boys who lost their ­childhoods, who never had a chance to be heard, helped or saved,” Kim K wrote in a piece for NBC News. She’s not wrong, of course.

But for those not au fait with Kim K’s more serious side, an essay seems quite a step up from the usual 140 characters (including emojis) we see on her social posts.

So what’s next in the ­pipeline for Kim K’s ­reinvention? A run for office? A 2028 presidential race against ex-hubby West? And with Kim still single, will we see Kris Jenner parachuted in as First Lady, sorry, First Momager ?

Because to be honest, the US could probably do with some of Kris's managerial expertise...

For, if she can keep the peace between her many daughters and their many pesky exes, resolving the Middle East should be a doddle.

Picture of The Week:

The Duchess of Edinburgh has been royally upstaged. For Sophie Wessex this week announced she was going to be the latest guest on CBeebies’ Bedtime Stories. But reading to little kids is now so, so, so last year, darling …

For look who Jennifer Aniston is reading aloud to…

I mean... could it be any cuter? (as her co-star would’ve asked)?

Yes, Jen this week reminded us once again why we all want to be her Friend – as she posted an Instagram video reading her first children’s book, Clydeo Takes A Bite Out Of Life, to her doggy pals.

The actress – who has three dogs and fosters more – penned the tome about her own rescue pup Clyde to raise money and awareness for the shelter that saved him. (Awwww!)

Of course celebrity books can be a little bit hit and miss – and one imagines it’s even harder to entertain an audience that has a tail of its very own.

Yet from the looks of these pups’ faces, they’ll be giving Jen's debut a good ca- nine out of 10. (Ahem!)

Picture of The Month!

Kudos to The OC’s Adam Brody and Veronica Mars' Kristen Bell: their hit Netflix romcom series has so much SIZZLING chemistry, even Kristen’s husband Dax Shepard was rooting for them to get it on.

“Watching the first episode, he was like, ‘Oh my God, I want you to kiss him so badly’,” Kristen said this week.

Clearly 'Nobody Wants This' is the ultimate ironic title for this TV show.

Indeed, the Noughties' teen icons have proved such a smash, we're gagging for a second season. Why? Well, let's face it: if Seth Cohen asked me to hand him my ice cream and put down my bag .... it wouldn't just be my Ben & Jerry's in danger of melting......

What do you think? What celeb goings-on have made you laugh - or scream - this week? Let me know in the comments or via X/Instagram @JessicaBoulton