'My husband is having an affair, but he won't admit it and it's making me miserable'

Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who's been married for 30 years, but has a strong suspicion her partner is seeing another woman

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for 30 years and my husband and I met in our first job when we were 24. He’s the love of my life and we have three children and one gorgeous grandchild.

However, the past 18 months have been hard because I’m convinced he’s been having an affair with someone he used to date when he was at college.

I have brought it up with him several times, which was difficult, but he denies it, so what can I do?

When you’ve been with someone for 30 years, you notice changes in behaviour, plus we live in a small town where everyone knows each other’s business.

People have told me they’ve seen him looking very cosy with this woman, who’s also married with children. It would be easy for him to hide evidence of an affair because we have separate bank accounts, plus one joint account for bills.

It’s got to a point where I now avoid the local pub – which is the hub of the community – because I feel embarrassed and worry people know something I don’t and think I’m stupid.

My husband makes me feel like I’m a crazy person every time I mention it, saying I should know better not to believe local gossips and making me feel bad for not trusting him.

So, then I leave it and we go back to normal and pretend everything is fine.

I don’t want to throw away 30 years of marriage, but I can’t put up with him gaslighting me like this and I’m so unhappy.

Coleen says

I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s almost impossible not to become paranoid. It gets to a point where you don’t trust them to go out and buy a pint of milk.

But you can’t let this situation carry on because you feel in your gut that something is going on, plus other people have told you they’ve seen him with this woman. It’s not good enough for him to opt out of your conversations and turn it back on you. He needs to either prove to you that nothing is going on or own up and deal with it.

The bottom line is, if I thought my 30-year marriage was in trouble and my partner might leave me because of untrue gossip, then I’d be pulling out all the stops to set the record straight.

I think it’s time for a bold move – tell him you’ve reached crisis point, you’re unhappy, you don’t trust him and you’re going to leave until he’s ready to have an honest conversation.

If he really wants to save your marriage, then counselling is an option. I know it’s painful and scary to face the possibility of your marriage ending, but you can’t live your life like this.