'Husband works overseas so I'm living with toyboy lover and don't want to give him up'

Coleen Nolan advises a reader who worries that her handsome younger boyfriend is wasting his youth on their alternative relationship

Dear Coleen

I’m 35 and have been married for six years to a wonderful man who’s a few years older.

He was fired from his job three years ago, so he took a job in the Persian Gulf and we agreed to try a long-distance “modern marriage”.

It’s a don’t ask, don’t tell situation where we can explore other relationships, as long as they don’t threaten our marriage. It works for me, as I’ve always had a higher sex drive than my husband.

I date younger men in the belief they’ll eventually want to settle down with someone their own age, but what works in theory doesn’t always work out in practice.

I began a relationship with a university student soon after my husband left to work overseas. I haven’t seen him exclusively, but he’s been faithful to me for three years, even though he’s fully aware of my situation. He’s just as smitten as he was when we first slept together.

He’s handsome, smart, funny and mature for this age and the age difference isn’t that apparent. Our sex life is great and that means a lot to me.

Since his graduation, we’ve been living together at his flat and we have a set of friends we hang out with, none of whom know I’m married.

However, I worry I’m wrecking my lover’s youth. Do I stay with him until my husband’s contract is up in another three years or let him go to find someone his own age? I don’t want to give him up.

Coleen says

Well, you seem to be in the rare situation of having your cake and eating it, although you’re beginning to feel slightly guilty in terms of your younger man.

You’re obviously worried about hurting this younger guy, but I wonder if you’re also worried about getting your heart broken. You say you’re not in love with him but, after three years of a relationship, living and socialising together, are you sure? Maybe you’re not admitting to yourself how deep your feelings are for him.

If you keep seeing him and your husband comes back to the UK permanently in three years’ time, will you be able to give him up? Maybe I sound very old fashioned, but I think you’re playing with fire because I don’t see how you can walk away from this situation without someone getting hurt.

You’ve been 100% honest with your lover about your situation, but you need to be honest with yourself, too. Really think about how you’d feel if your husband came home tomorrow and wanted things to go back to how they were before. These issues are easy to ignore while he’s so far away.

As for your boyfriend, he’s a grown up and able to make his own decisions, so when you go back to your husband, it shouldn’t come as a shock.