A bottle of vodka, loads of wine... and three words that changed everything

Alex Clapp appeared to have it all – a beautiful home, a successful law firm and a devoted son. It was a life many might have envied.

But beneath the surface, no one knew he was drowning in a sea of despair. Drinking vodka and several bottles of wine a day, the dad didn’t care whether he lived or died.

Alcohol was always present in Alex’s life. A boss in the corporate world, it wasn’t uncommon for the 44-year-old to have drinks with colleagues, wine with dinner and shots in the early hours.

READ MORE: 'Hidden condition meant I felt drunk for a YEAR - doctors thought I was crazy'

But his world came crashing down when he developed serious eye problems seemingly out of nowhere in 2017.

Alex, who lives in the Nantwich area of Cheshire, grew concerned when his vision became blurry. He suspected it might have been due to sleeping in his contact lenses.

Following scans at the back of his eyes, opticians decided to send the dad-of-one to hospital – but medics couldn’t figure out what was causing his rapidly deteriorating eyesight.

Despite undergoing every test possible, Alex still doesn’t have answers to this day. While doctors managed to regain sight in his right eye, Alex is now 90 per cent blind in his left eye.

“I’ve had MRI scans, injections in both eyes and have been all over the country,” he said. “At my worst I couldn’t read, text or anything. I started preparing myself for going blind.

“I pretended to the outside world that I was okay and just laughed it off. But inside, I was scared sh**less.”

Having struggled to communicate his emotions for as long as he could remember, Alex found it hard to express his fears over his deteriorating eyesight.

Instead of opening up to others, he buried himself in a bottle. What started as the odd bottle of wine at evenings turned into necking several every afternoon. By the end of 2020, Alex was drinking a bottle of vodka and three bottles of wine a day.

“The start time got earlier, the finishing time got later and the quantity got more,” Alex said. “I was still pretty normal. I was still working and doing normal family stuff.

“I was more dependent on alcohol just to numb the pain. I always topped back up so I never had hangovers. I never allowed myself to be hungover.”

Eventually Alex’s former partner, with whom he shares son Marcus, 19, recognised his alcohol abuse and made him go to rehab.

Though he agreed to go, Alex admits the treatment failed to work because he refused to admit he had a problem.

“I was sh** scared,” he continued. “It was the unknown. You have no idea what to expect. You have no idea what it will be like and you feel very lonely.

“There’s that battle of trying to say you haven’t got a problem still when you know you have.

“The acceptance battle is the biggest thing. The disease tells you you haven't got it. That’s the hardest thing for anyone with an addiction.”

Once Alex’s time in rehab came to an end, he knew he felt no differently and immediately began drinking again. A high-functioning alcoholic, he was able to hide his addiction while being able to act normal around family, friends and colleagues.

“I was doing the bare minimum [at work] to get through,” he added. “I was there, but I wasn’t present. I was basically doing the necessities. My productivity was at the lowest level possible.”

Alex became very good at hiding his addiction, regularly sneaking away to drink without attracting attention. Sadly, at the height of his addiction, his son Marcus discovered him asleep in bed surrounded by empty bottles.

Help and support for drug misuse

• Manchester Integrated Drug and Alcohol Service (MIDAS) Recovery focused service. Central: Zion Centre 0161 226 5526. North Manchester: 0161 214 0770. South Manchester: 0161 945 8772
• Know the Score Email and live chat or call 0800 587 5879
• Narcotics Anonymous Email and live chat or call 0300 999 1212
• Talk to Frank Information, email and live chat on drugs and alcohol. 0300 123 6600 or text 82111, available 24 hours.

His drinking meant Alex also started letting his family down. With alcohol now his main priority, he would often forget to pick Marcus up and hardly showed up to his rugby games. Eventually, Marcus chose to stop seeing him.

Though he tried rehab for a second time, nothing seemed to help Alex overcome his addiction. “The second time, I went for three months and did an amazing amount of work getting to the root of the problem,” he said.

“I came out convinced I had fixed myself and beaten the addiction. But that was wrong, because once you’ve gone past that point, there’s no return.

“I didn’t genuinely didn’t care. I felt like I had nothing to live for and no one needed me. I was just so lost; I did not give a sh**.

“If I got killed, I wouldn’t have cared. It was so bad. I was isolating and hiding away at home. I was gambling and lost thousands. This went on for two solid years.”

Everything came to a head in September 2022 when Alex was sitting with his son in the garden of his parents' house.

Marcus then uttered two sentences that would change Alex’s life forever. “Dad, you are 42-years-old and you still need your mum and dad,” he said. “I am 17-years-old and I need you.”

It felt like a knife in the chest for dad Alex – but it was the hard-hitting revelation he needed to hear.

“After speaking to my son, I really accepted I had a problem,” he said. “I’ve never been beaten by anything in my life. I was determined I had to beat [my addiction].

“As soon as I accepted it was something I couldn’t beat and it was something I couldn’t control anymore, I threw in the towel and stopped fighting. That’s when it became a bit easier.

“It was just the realisation that you’re a parent, and however you feel about the situation, you have to do something about it.”

Alex returned to rehab for a third time where he did some of his own research on his behaviour and read various science papers.

He remained at the centre for a month before moving into his parents’ home. “I accepted I couldn’t beat it,” he added. “I couldn’t be the only person in the universe to beat addiction. That’s how things began to change.

“I went and lived at my parents 'house for a couple of months so I had family support and accountability which was important for me.

“I needed some people to be around so I wasn’t on my own when I was at my worst. Being in your own head can be a really dark place.”

Alex says one major part of his recovery was learning how to open up to others and be vulnerable.

“It’s a strength,” he said. “It allows other people to be vulnerable and you can connect with other people.

“I was like a stone. We used to go to funerals and I would never cry. I never cried at anything. I just blocked it all out; nothing would ever phase me because I wouldn’t allow it to.”

Alex will celebrate two years of sobriety on October 14 and says his life has totally transformed. The dad has since set up Claritee Group, a business that runs Be The Spirit, alcohol-free events for those who want to socialise but don’t want to drink.

“All I want to do is show other people that there is a choice,” he said. “And to try and get more people to be their authentic selves and that it’s okay not to be okay.

“That’s the thing – we all feel like we’ve got to be strong and not talk about emotions and it’s just so wrong.”