Five Ways to Cultivate Bravery

Did you know you can strengthen your courage muscle? Here's how.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer, Ph.D.

Key points

• Leaning into discomfort and seeing life as a grand adventure is where amazing growth happens.
• Setting expectations that life should unfold in ways that we believe it should sets us up for disappointment.
• When we learn how to embrace ambiguity and trust the present moment, we learn to trust the way ahead.

Franklin D Roosevelt is known for his poignant inaugural address in which he famously stated "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."^₁ We know well that FDR overcame a multitude of challenges in his life, including suffering with and recovering from polio, inheriting a nation in peril, and becoming the first US president with a physical disability to lead the United States.

The famous Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran shares in his poem, Fear: It is said that before entering the sea a river trembles with fear. She looks back at the path she has traveled, from the peaks of the mountains, the long winding road crossing forests and villages. And in front of her, she sees an ocean so vast, that to enter there seems nothing more than to disappear forever. But there is no other way. The river can not go back.^₂

Similar to FDR, Gibran was no stranger to adversity. As a young immigrant arriving in the United States in 1895 at the age of 12, his family struggled and lived in poverty.^₃ He was fortunate to have had his creativity nurtured from a young age. As he published writings and artwork that became well known over the years, he became the third best selling poet of all time.

Many think that brave people are somehow born fearless. They erroneously believe that some individuals have a general innate capacity to overcome challenges, when the truth is much more nuanced. People learn to become more courageous and bold as they are faced with challenges beyond their control. Having learned to abide with fear and uncertainty, they understand that there is no choice but to persevere in spite of health challenges, poverty, unforeseen disasters and other types of hardship.

As bones become hardier with weight bearing activity and diamonds are created under pressure, the human spirit becomes stronger as it grows through each experience of adversity. While we certainly don't invite hardship into our lives, there are several ways we can increase our distress tolerance and become stronger, hardier and more brave.

Embrace Uncertainty

Many years ago, one of my grad school professors wrote the quote "Structure binds anxiety" on the whiteboard, and a lively discussion ensued about why humans crave predictability and resist change, despite the reality that growth only happens through change, whether we like it or not.

In Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart, she acknowledges that while fear is a universal experience, looking anxiety and doubt in the eye gives us an opportunity to create a whole new way of being. Navigating groundlessness and learning to lean into the present moment can be extremely liberating.^₄

To live is to grow. Learning to adapt is crucial to survival. And while we crave structure, predictability and routine, it's when we become dependent on things going our way that things seem to fall apart.

Becoming comfortable with uncertainty helps us learn to roll with changes and develop a sense of ease in the world. The more intimate we are with fear, the more open we become to what life has to teach us.

Release Expectations

It took me a long time to realize that expectations are always a catch-22. When we meet or exceed them, it's easy to become elated and convinced of the belief that all is right in the universe—for a brief moment. Then, life goes on. When difficulties arise, we feel the world is unjust and unfair. Somehow we feel we've earned the easy road or happiness. Life doesn't necessarily unfold in this way.

There is no end to the list of challenges life sends in our direction. Setting expectations that life should somehow unfold in ways that we believe it should sets us up for continuous disappointment. When we release ourselves of expectations, "practicing without "shoulds," we gradually discover our wakefulness and our confidence. Gradually, without any agenda except to be honest and kind, we assume responsibility for being here in this unpredictable world, in this unique moment, in this precious human body."⁵

Lean into Discomfort

There is a Native American saying that says, "Fear is what opens the door to the heart and lets the spirit in." We all know of "old souls" who seem to have an ease about life. Perhaps they have an amazing way of relating with people or connecting in ways that show great compassion. These are people who have likely walked through their own life's challenges and faced fear head-on.

Leaning into discomfort is a practice that can become habitual over time. Rather than giving into all of the "what if's" of life and focusing on the potential for bad things to happen, old souls have learned that life is like a great big classroom where learning is eternal. People, places, situations and circumstances are the essence of life's richness. Leaning into discomfort and seeing life as a grand adventure is how amazing growth happens, if we allow it to.

Learn to Stay (even if it's uncomfortable)

I remember the first time I entered the room of a patient who was dying. Knowing that the family assembled around the bedside would be suffering anticipatory grief, I wondered what I would say, how I would act, and if I could endure such a sad situation without wanting to bolt. My mind whizzed from excuse to excuse to leave the room, but I decided to pull the folding chair off the hook on the wall and sit down.

Family shared stories of their loved one in great detail, laughing, crying and leaning in to hug and comfort one another. It was a beautiful tribute to a life well lived! I left the room feeling a sense of deep gratitude and awe, thankful that I had decided to stay. In deciding to remain present, without giving into my fears, I began to develop an ability to listen more deeply and intently than I ever had before.

Keep Moving Forward

The moment-by-moment evolution of our experience is a great thing. It's what leads us to develop greater insight and wisdom about ourselves and the world we live in.

The well-being we seek is "often a result of having been brave enough to be fully alive and awake to every moment of life, including all the lack of cheer, all the dark times, all the times when the clouds cover the sun."⁶ When we learn how to embrace ambiguity and trust the present moment for what we can learn, we become brave and lean into the way ahead. It's in the precious present that the path unfolds, and where curiosity, passion and courage begin to take root.