4 Great Lessons From Divorced Couples Who Got Back Together

When second chances lead to stronger, more resilient relationships.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Key points

• Couples who get back together after divorce often cite personal growth as the main factor in their reunion.
• Learning to forgive—your partner and yourself—can create space for love to grow again.
• Getting back together doesn’t mean you’re reviving the same relationship you had before.

As a therapist, I’ve had the privilege of occasionally working with couples who have navigated the painful path of divorce, only to find their way back to each other. Divorce can feel final, like a closed door. But sometimes, it opens a space for reflection, growth, and even reconciliation. Separating allowed these couples to come back stronger, more aware, and more intentional about their relationship.

Here are four great lessons I’ve learned from divorced and reunited couples, along with practical tips for those looking to rekindle love after significant hardship.

1. Growth Happens Individually Before It Happens Together

Many couples who get back together after divorce often cite personal growth as the main factor in their reunion. When they were married the first time, issues like poor communication, unresolved trauma, or conflicting priorities drove them apart. It wasn’t until after the divorce—when they were forced to face their shortcomings—that they could heal independently.

Take Sienna and David, for example. When they first came to me, Sienna felt emotionally neglected, while David was overwhelmed by the demands of his job. Their divorce was messy, fueled by resentment and frustration. However, during their two years apart, both spent time in therapy working on themselves. Sienna learned to communicate her needs better, and David recognized how his work had dominated his life at the expense of his family. They reconciled, but only after committing to individual growth first.

Tip: Don’t rush back into the relationship if you haven't done the internal work. Time apart can offer a clearer perspective and help you identify areas for personal improvement. This is essential for creating a more robust foundation when rebuilding the relationship.

2. Releasing Old Grudges Can Revive New Love

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. One of the most significant challenges for couples trying to reconcile after a divorce is letting go of the pain from their previous marriage. Old grudges and unresolved conflicts from the past can poison attempts to start fresh. Learning to forgive—your partner and yourself—can create space for love to grow again.

Jessica and Marcus were in my office weekly during their separation. Their first marriage had been plagued by constant fighting about finances. Marcus couldn’t forgive Jessica for overspending, and Jessica resented Marcus for controlling the money. After their divorce, both began working through their issues with a therapist. When they decided to give their marriage a second chance, they didn’t just gloss over their past—they worked through it. The result was a healthier relationship based on mutual respect and financial transparency.

Tip: Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, but committing to moving forward without bringing up old wounds at every turn. Use your time apart to work on processing the past so you can step into a new chapter with a clean slate.

3. You Can Build a New Relationship on Old Foundations

Getting back together doesn’t mean you’re reviving the same relationship you had before. Instead, it’s about building something new while recognizing the value of your shared history. Couples who reunite successfully often say they’ve created an entirely new relationship based on lessons learned from their first marriage.

Elsa and John were high school sweethearts who married young. Their first marriage ended because they admitted they’d outgrown each other and didn’t know how to navigate the changes. Five years later, they found each other again after dating other people and gaining more life experience. When they remarried, they approached their relationship with renewed curiosity and excitement, focusing on the people they had become rather than on who they once were.

Tip: Don’t try to recreate the past. The key to rekindling a relationship is accepting that both of you have changed and that your new relationship should reflect who you are now, not who you were before.

4. Communication Is Key—But It Must Be Courageous

All couples know that communication is essential, but what sets reunited couples apart is their willingness to engage in courageous communication. They talk about the hard stuff—what went wrong, what they need now, and what they’re afraid of going forward. This transparency allows these couples to rebuild trust and foster deeper intimacy.

Linda and Paul’s first marriage crumbled because neither felt heard. They spent years walking on eggshells, avoiding difficult conversations for fear of confrontation. After they divorced, they realized how much was left unsaid. They made a pact never to shy away from challenging discussions when reconnected. They learned to express their fears and vulnerabilities openly, which allowed them to rebuild their relationship from a place of honesty.

Tip: Practice courageous communication by talking about your hopes and your worries. Create a safe space where both partners can express themselves without judgment. Be clear, compassionate, and open to hearing things that may be uncomfortable.

Final Thought

Divorce is usually the final chapter when married couples split up. Yet, for a minority of couples, it’s a turning point—an opportunity for growth, forgiveness, and the chance to build something more substantial. If you’re considering reuniting with a former spouse, remember that the journey back won’t be easy. Still, the lessons learned can guide you toward a more resilient, fulfilling relationship.