12 Truths About Family Relationships

Why "and" is the most important word in family relationships.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer

Key points

• We often feel like because we love family members, we are obliged to behave in certain ways.
• Rigid family rules framed as "if/then" create relationships based on obligation rather than affection.
• Relationships are things where lots of seemingly contradictory things can exist at once. Acknowledge nuance.

The discourse around family relationships has become all or nothing. Either we need to accept family members exactly as they are, or we have to cut them off entirely. Either they need to be met with gratitude, or they need to be held accountable. These rigid beliefs lead to thoughts like:

• I love them, so I must want to see them all the time.
• I love this family member, so I should have something in common with them.
• I respect my family’s wisdom, so I should want their input about all of my decisions.

But, of course, relationships call for flexibility, and these statements are rigid. They imply that loving somebody obliges you to carry out specific behaviors. Now, instead of rigid either/or and if/then statements, insert the word "and." Here are some truths that can and often should be held simultaneously:

1. You can feel grateful for your parents’ work in raising you and feel hurt by things that happened during your childhood.
2. You can feel close to your parents and other family members and still maintain privacy in some areas of your life.
3. You can love family members and offer one another feedback.
4. You can want friendship from a parent and want to distinguish between friends and the parenting role.
5. You can accept your parents as they are and set boundaries when needed.
6. You can value and cherish your childhood and want to raise children differently.
7. You can love a family member and have nothing in common with them.
8. You can love family members immensely and struggle to be around them.
9. You can respect your family members’ opinions and wisdom and not want to hear it all the time.
10. You can want to honor your parents and disagree with what it looks like to do that.
11. You can love family members and choose to live differently.
12. You can feel close to family members and only speak with them occasionally.

Notice how much less rigid these statements are than the original three. These “and” statements acknowledge that family members can love, honor, and respect each other and need different things. They can live in different ways. They can want to approach their relationships with one another differently. The next time something feels rigid in your family (“My Dad is really smart, so I should seek his advice”), try adding the word “and” and see how it sits. Now it sounds like “My dad is really smart, and I don’t want his advice on this question.” It opens up the possibility that one's role as a trusted family member does not automatically mean a requirement to do a certain action.

With "and" families can think about how they want to have relationships, rather than how they feel obliged to behave. And from there comes true connection.