The Sunday Read: Tears in heaven

Support group offers space for pet parents to process excruciating pain of loss

On Saturday evening, in a small experience centre somewhere in HSR Layout, a group of five Bengalureans sat in a circle. A bit hesitant, the members nervously waited for their turn to speak, while some constantly kept fidgeting.

As they started to talk, they welled up, they smiled, they paused for a while, and spoke again.

This group of grieving pet parents attended Bengaluru’s first-of-its-kind physical support group on Saturday. The session facilitated by a psychotherapist was the first in a series of bi-monthly sessions that grieving pet parents in the city can look forward to.

The initiative is by two Bengalureans, who are proud parents of many four-legged furry babies and have felt the pang of losing one of them in the recent past.

Manjari Chaitanya, a city-based animal welfare worker and one of the founders of the support group says, losing an animal companion can be one of the hardest experiences and can leave behind an unimaginable void.

Safe space to mourn

The physical support group will help such parents by offering a safe space to mourn and providing a platform to share their pain with like-minded people without being judged.

“Our furry companions become family members in no time. However, when they pass, the grief can feel overwhelming and isolating. This is where the pet grief support group can come into play. The support group will offer a safe space for grieving pet parents to share feelings and connect with others who understand. It will also help them explore the importance of grief counseling and learn coping mechanisms from other parents. The idea is to navigate the difficult journey of healing together,” said Chaitanya, who lost Candy, her 18-year-old indie, two years ago.

Chaitanya adopted Candy immediately after her marriage.

“I was the best version of myself during those 18 years I had with Candy,” she recalls.

However, after Candy passed away, she felt a pain unlike any she had experienced before.

“I could not get out of my bed for weeks and I wished to die too. I have a human child that was 8 years old then. Every time I saw my son, I was getting angry as I had lost my older child. It is going to be two years, but the pain has not subsided. However, I realised there is a lack of emotional support for people like me, which led to this idea of a physical support group for such grieving parents,” added Chaitanya.

No accepted, this pain
Those going through this difficult time say the arduous part is that this grief is not socially acknowledged or accepted. These support groups, whether online or offline, help people deal with such disenfranchised pain.

“After my dog passed, I had no idea how to cope with the avalanche of feelings. Nothing prepared me for this and it was never-ending and gut-wrenching. My friends could not understand, although they tried to help. People going through this grief just need to know that somebody understands. While you never get over, such support groups will help you go on with life,” said Priya Chetty-Rajagopal of CJ Memorial Trust, who also runs an online forum called Goodbye Tails for pet parents to mourn the loss of their perfect furry babies.

Experts say this is one part of mental health that is never discussed. After Sneha Paul Choudhury, a trained psychotherapist, adopted her dog, she met many grieving pet parents and heard stories of how they had not been able to overcome the pain.

While they describe it as akin to losing their child, a support system and understanding from people around them they say is missing.

Support system

“We realised that if we bring all these parents together, make them sit across each other and share their experience, they might end up helping each other through the grief. One parent can learn from another’s experience and might be able to handle these emotions better,” Choudhury, who has started the group with Chaitanya.

The group will also help them explore the importance of grief counseling and learn coping mechanisms from other parents. The idea is to navigate the difficult journey of healing togetherManjari Chaitanya, one of the founders of the group

Rescuing rescuers

The group will also be open for rescuers who undergo difficult situations.

“Rescuers are underrated. We see that many of them who are working tirelessly daily, rescuing the animals, are burning out. More often than not, they end up paying a price for someone else’s mistake. Sometimes they rescue an animal and have to instantly put them down; on other occasions, they spend a lot of time to allow them to pass with dignity. However, the pain they feel on losing these animals is traumatic and not validated by society,” added Chaitanya.

Chaitanya is also the founder of South Bengaluru Care (an NGO) and Choudhury owns Oh My Dawg (a pet store).