There Are Ways to Be Normal on the Substance From The Substance

Warning: Spoilers ahead for the plot and ending of The Substance.

“There’s been a slight misuse of the substance,” Demi Moore’s Elisabeth Sparkle stammers into a customer-service line around the halfway point of Coralie Fargeat’s The Substance, a movie built around several misuses of the titular substance. For all the movie purports to be a satire about body image and Hollywood misogyny, it is also, at its core, about taking your medications incorrectly. We’re not just talking drinking-on-antibiotics levels of bad (but don’t do that!), we’re talking about full-blown body horror. Part of this misuse comes down to the convoluted rule that both the older user of the substance and the younger user can only be out and about for seven days at a time before going to sleep so that their liquids(?) can recalibrate (just go with it).

While Elisabeth, an aging actress, and her younger not-quite-doppelgänger Sue (Margaret Qualley) share the blame for prescription-medication abuse, what appears to motivate their reckless errors comes down to matters of etiquette and forethought. Sue first abuses the “seven days” rule, causing Elisabeth’s body (or finger, rather) to age more quickly than the rest of her body, but then she also treats Elisabeth’s apartment the way an early-20-something might: food left out, drinks spilled, redecorating without permission. Elisabeth resents Sue’s party lifestyle and digs in her heels to a sedentary, depressing routine of bad television and greasy dinners. Their passive-aggressive roommate meltdown is undoubtedly spurred on by their relationship toward the substance, and each other, but it all could’ve been avoided. Just in case the substance from The Substance ever turns out to be real, here’s how you should manage it.

Keep a shared calendar

One of the most essential aspects of keeping yourself together while being two different people who are the same person is a knack for self-sufficient bureaucracy. Living your life every other week at a time is a recipe for disaster unless, of course, you have some kind of calendar system that accounts for the fact that neither of you has memories of what the other did. While Elisabeth keeps Post-its on a paper calendar, it’s clear that Sue neglects all forms of calendar organization. Can’t these women figure out a shared G-cal? 

Clean up after yourself

The best and funniest parts of The Substance are when Elisabeth and Sue fight in a way that roommates of a similar age fight: passive-aggressively through the negligence of chores. Sure, they’re dealing with the psychosexual nature of being two versions of the same person, but it’s just common sense to make sure dishes are cleared up before bed (you don’t want mice or roaches on top of the stress of misusing the substance) and that you leave the apartment as nice as it was when you got there.

Find an apartment where you don’t have to see a billboard every day

Most apartments — in Los Angeles or otherwise — don’t have a giant billboard right outside their living-room window. I’d argue that very few people want that kind of view, and they actively search for apartments with either a normal view (of other apartment buildings) or something natural (hills, mountains, ocean, whatever). It’d be easy to find a place where someone like Elisabeth with a front-facing job wouldn’t have to grow resentful from seeing her younger self on a billboard every day. She could’ve even settled for just a different kind of billboard, maybe one for Apple TV+’s Sugar or Liquid IV.

Make one friend

The Substance is the type of film that could be completely undone by its main character having a female best friend, someone who may say, “Girl, you don’t need the substance!” But what Elisabeth struggles with is not necessarily just aging, but also not feeling seen, in public or otherwise. A steady outside appointment with a friend to get her away from the TV so she could bitch about Sue and her boss would be incredibly therapeutic for someone like her.

Find good TV shows to watch

No disrespect to game shows, but maybe Elisabeth wouldn’t feel quite so bored and angry if she were watching good shows. With entire weeks at a time with little to do but live off her royalties, she’s got more than enough time to catch up on old and new prestige television. Has she seen all of The Sopranos? Deadwood? To think, she’s the one person on earth who could have caught up with every show prior to the Emmys — even Slow Horses! — and instead, she’s watching daytime television.

Or go to grad school

If one of you is out being hot and partying, the other one of you could be doing something like pursuing a vanity master’s degree in musicology or exercise science. Why not? 

Remember you are one

A friend suggested to me that people who are Geminis may preternaturally be able to handle the substance better than those who aren’t. Whether or not astrology is real, the key rule to the substance seems to be that despite there being two bodies, they are one person. Even when it seems like it’s her leaving dishes in the sink, it’s on you!