Dear Caroline: My daughter, 17, stole her best friend's boyfriend

Q

The way my 17-year-old daughter has treated one of her best friends has upset me. My daughter has been challenging as a teenager, moody and sometimes rude. However, now she has crossed a line by stealing her best friend’s boyfriend. He had been with this girl for a few months and my daughter dismissed him as arrogant. But he is good looking and I think that turned her head. She’s only ever had one short relationship before, with a guy who cheated on her. Apparently my daughter and her friend’s boyfriend got together at a party when they were both drunk and now they are an item. 

Her former friend, who I’m fond of, is devastated and says she’ll never speak to my daughter again. As this move has made her unpopular, I am worried about her being ostracised by other people, too. I also don’t know how to speak to her boyfriend when he’s at our house. I met him before as part of my daughter’s friendship group and he seemed OK, though I did share her earlier view that he was arrogant. I have told my daughter that I don’t approve of their relationship, but I’m not sure if she has told him that. Although I can’t condone their behaviour, I don’t feel I can ban him from the house.

A

I understand how awkward and upsetting this is for you. I agree with you about crossing a line. I’ve always felt that going out with a friend’s ex seems disloyal, but ‘stealing’ a friend’s partner is a terrible betrayal. If they were really in love and this relationship turned out to be a lasting one, then perhaps there would be more justification, but that’s not likely. I fear your daughter will get hurt, as he will leave her for someone else, just as he left her friend. It is hard to know why she has acted this way, especially as she had experienced the pain of being cheated on herself. I hate to blame her youth, because so many young people are lovely, but sometimes teenagers can be selfish and make irrational decisions. I suspect that underlying everything are insecurity and unhappiness. Perhaps she needed to prove to herself that she could get the good-looking boyfriend to bolster her self-esteem. Sadly, it is probably only when she gets her heart broken that she will regret what she has done and realise how much she misses her friend. In the meantime, you are right to have shared how upset you are because it is important for her to receive the message that we shouldn’t hurt others. For now, however, you can only accept the relationship, so treat them normally. It is important not to alienate your daughter because she’ll need you when the inevitable happens. Making small talk with him isn’t likely to be a problem you’ll have for long!

Is her heart still with her ex?

Q

I’m a man in my late 40s. My 14-year marriage ended just over a year ago because of my wife’s affair. I’ve started seeing a younger woman and thought that I could perhaps fall in love again. However, she was also previously in a long-term relationship. Her partner walked out on her just before their wedding and a friend of hers told me she was devastated at the time. I’ve now heard that this man feels he made a huge mistake so wants her back. I also found out that she has been in contact with him, but she says he is not important to her any more. I am wondering if I should walk away because I can’t help feeling that she will go back to him, if not now then one day.

A

 This is complicated. Of course you will have difficulty trusting again following your wife’s affair and the damage it caused to your marriage. So it is a matter of untangling this from your girlfriend’s behaviour. 

I am worried that you say you found out she had been in contact with her ex. If she didn’t volunteer the information, this could be a red flag because she is not being open with you – so important if a relationship is to work. Ask her to be honest. She needs to understand how much you have been hurt by your wife’s infidelity and that it would be unfair to you if she kept you hanging on while she made up her mind about whether to return to this man. 

Sometimes it’s fine for people to stay friends with their exes, but in this case it would not be unreasonable for you to ask her to end contact. If she won’t, it could suggest that she is not ready for a committed relationship with you.